By Rachel Lankester, Editor
Grandparenting used to be one of those life stages nobody analysed too closely. It simply happened. Your own children grew up. They had children of their own. Suddenly there was a baby in your arms again.
You loved them. You spoiled them. You occasionally broke a few of the parents’ rules in the name of fun. That was more or less the script.
Today the role is far less simple.
When I spoke with DeeDee Moore, founder of the grandparenting platform More Than Grand, on my Magnificent Midlife Podcast, one thing became clear very quickly. The emotional landscape around families has shifted.
Grandparenting now sits inside a much more complex ecosystem of expectations, cultural pressures, parenting philosophies and sometimes fragile family dynamics affecting today’s grandparents.
Which means it is no longer a role most people can simply improvise.
The Quiet Disconnect Between Parents And Grandparents
DeeDee came to the topic almost accidentally. After leaving her work as a communications consultant she found herself reading parenting forums and grandparent discussions online.
What she noticed was fascinating.
Parents were expressing frustration about grandparent behaviour. Grandparents meanwhile seemed genuinely confused about what the issue was.
Both groups loved the same children. Yet they were often speaking past one another.
The problem was rarely bad intentions. The problem was communication.
As DeeDee put it:
“It all comes down to communication. It all comes down to grandparents being willing to listen to what parents are saying.”
That sounds obvious. Yet in practice it can be surprisingly difficult.
Many new grandparents and even first time grandparents enter the role with a strong internal picture of what grandparenting should look like. A small child to adore. A little spoiling. A chance to enjoy the sweeter parts of parenting without the sleepless nights.
That cultural image runs deep.
But for parents today, especially young parents navigating enormous social pressure, the expectations can feel very different.
The Role Is Not What Many Grandparents Expect
The traditional fantasy of grandparenting centres almost entirely on the child.
Yet the most important relationship is often with the parents.
DeeDee emphasised this repeatedly during our conversation.
“Supporting them above all else is really the most important thing for any grandparent to do.”
That shift in perspective matters.
If the relationship with the parents is trusting and respectful then access to grandchildren usually follows naturally. If that relationship becomes strained then the entire dynamic can become fragile.
In other words it is not about the child first.
It is about the family system surrounding the child and the unique role grandparents play within family life.
Grandparents can offer perspective, patience and life experience that younger parents may still be developing. In many families they also provide practical grandparent help, from occasional baby care to emotional encouragement during exhausting early years.
For many families, grandparents also provide emotional support, something that can be quietly invaluable in a child’s life.
Parenting Has Become Much More Anxious
Part of the challenge lies in the world younger parents are navigating.
Previous generations raised children with advice from relatives, neighbours and perhaps the occasional parenting book.
Today parents are surrounded by the latest information.
Social media feeds are full of parenting experts, sleep specialists, nutrition gurus, child psychologists and influencers sharing daily routines.
Much of this advice is thoughtful. Much of it contradicts the advice next to it.
For new parents the result can be a constant sense of pressure to get everything right.
Even the simplest things – from tummy time to whether a rear-facing seat is installed correctly – can feel loaded with consequence.
Every decision appears to shape a child’s life.
Which means unsolicited advice from grandparents often lands very differently than it once did.
It may feel less like wisdom. It may feel like one more voice telling parents they are doing something wrong.
This does not mean younger parents value experience less.
It means they are already drowning in instruction.
What they often want instead is reassurance.
A simple acknowledgement that they are doing their best.
A More Fragile Family Landscape
Another reality shaping grandparenting today is the rise in family estrangement.
Adult children limiting contact with their own parents has become a topic of public discussion in recent years. Sometimes that distance extends to grandchildren.
DeeDee sees this pattern emerging across the families she works with.
“It is a growing trend.”
The reasons are varied.
Sometimes it reflects longstanding family tensions. Sometimes it grows from miscommunication that escalates over time.
Occasionally it begins with something surprisingly small.
Repeated criticism about parenting decisions. Boundary issues around visits or gifts. A sense that grandparents are not respecting the parents’ authority.
None of these problems are inevitable.
Yet they do highlight something important.
Relationships within families can no longer be taken for granted. They require care.
The Question Many Grandparents Never Ask
One of the most effective suggestions DeeDee offers is disarmingly simple.
Ask the parents what they want.
Not in a performative way. Not as a test.
Simply ask.
How would you like me to show up as a grandparent?
It sounds almost too straightforward. Yet many grandparents never think to ask the question.
They assume instead.
What DeeDee finds is that parents respond extremely positively when the question is raised.
“Parents love it.”
Why? Because the question communicates respect.
It acknowledges that the parents are now the ones making decisions about their own household.
For many grandparents this requires a subtle shift in identity. After decades of being the authority they are no longer the primary decision maker.
Accepting that transition gracefully can transform the relationship.
The Surprisingly Sensitive Topic Of Gifts
One of the more common areas of tension between parents and grandparents is something that seems harmless on the surface.
Presents.
Grandparents often enjoy buying things for their grandchildren. Toys, clothes, treats.
Parents sometimes find themselves overwhelmed by the volume of gifts arriving in the house.
It can disrupt routines or clash with the values they are trying to establish around consumption.
What begins as generosity can unintentionally become friction.
When parents say they would prefer fewer gifts they usually mean it.
The deeper issue is not about objects.
It is about alignment.
Parents want to feel that grandparents respect the environment they are trying to create for their children.
What Grandchildren Actually Remember
DeeDee encourages grandparents to think about their role in a longer time frame.
Not simply what they enjoy doing now but what they want their grandchildren to remember decades later.
Interestingly those memories rarely revolve around things.
Research shows that when young adults reflect on their grandparents they seldom mention toys or presents.
Instead they remember experiences.
Cooking together. Being read to. Gardening. Shared routines that felt quietly special.
Time, presence, attention.
Those are the best things grandparents offer.
It is a helpful perspective shift for anyone tempted to measure love through gifts.
Navigating The In-Law Relationship
One of the most delicate dynamics within families is the relationship between grandparents and the partners of their adult children.
Daughters-in-law and sons-in-law often become emotional bridges within extended families. Yet they can also feel scrutinised or peripheral.
DeeDee encourages grandparents to approach that relationship with curiosity rather than judgement.
Get to know the person as an individual.
Build a relationship that is not entirely mediated through your child.
Why does that matter?
Because family structures change. Couples separate. Life evolves.
A direct relationship creates resilience within the wider family arrangement.
It also sends a powerful signal of respect.
Curiosity Is A Powerful Tool
One theme that kept surfacing during our conversation was curiosity.
Grandparents who stay curious tend to navigate these relationships more easily.
Curious about parenting choices.
Curious about the world grandchildren are growing up in.
Curious about the technology shaping modern childhood.
Rather than expecting children to step into the grandparent’s world the invitation is to step into theirs.
Learn the games they play. Ask about the music they listen to. Try the apps they use.
Even something as simple as learning how grandchildren use cell phones or communicate through phone calls and messages can help bridge generational gaps.
It keeps the relationship alive.
Technology As A Bridge
For grandparents who live far from their grandchildren technology can become a valuable ally.
Video calls, shared digital stories, online games played across continents.
Tools that once felt unfamiliar now create new forms of connection.
Even emerging technologies such as AI can help generate stories or activities that grandparents and grandchildren explore together.
The point is not technological mastery.
The point is engagement.
Staying interested in the world younger generations inhabit keeps relationships vibrant.
A Role Worth Preparing For
Near the end of our conversation DeeDee shared a metaphor that captures the modern role of grandparents beautifully.
“When you become a grandparent you’re not the coach you’re just a player on the team and the parents are the ones in charge.”
It is a helpful image.
You are part of the team. Your experience matters. Your presence matters.
Yet the strategy belongs to the parents.
Accepting that reality allows grandparents to step into the role with generosity rather than resistance.
Grandparenting remains one of the most meaningful relationships many people will experience.
But like many roles in modern life it benefits from reflection.
Pause.
Consider the kind of grandparent you hope to be.
Not the cultural stereotype. Not the indulgent cartoon figure with pockets full of sweets.
A real person inside a real family.
Someone who offers presence, curiosity and emotional maturity.
Someone who understands that love sometimes looks like stepping back rather than stepping in.
Perhaps the real shift in modern grandparenting is this.
It is not about reliving the past.
It is about building a relationship with the future.
Disclosure: I had some help from AI with this post. It’s completely based on the podcast interview I did with DeeDee, but AI helped me pull the written post together, much faster than I could have alone.
DeeDee’s website: morethangrand.com
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Rachel Lankester helps women reclaim health, agency, purpose and power. She’s the host of the Magnificent Midlife Podcast and author of Magnificent Midlife: Transform Your Middle Years, Menopause and Beyond which was recommended in the New York Times. She’s the founder of MenoClarity, an online hub providing evidence-based information about menopause without hype or scaremongering. After an initially devastating early menopause diagnosis at 41, she helps women vibrantly transition through the sometimes messy middle of life, helping them cope better with menopause and ageing in general, and create magnificent next chapters. She’s been featured in/on BBC Woman’s Hour, iNews, The Sunday Times, Woman’s Weekly, Prima Magazine, Tatler HK and Woman’s Own amongst others. Get her newsletter.
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Last Updated on August 6, 2026 by Editorial Staff
