By Samantha Evans.
I’m 47 and I love sex!
Happily married for 18 years with three children, two of whom are teenagers, I write sexual health and pleasure articles for our sex toy website Jo Divine I own and run with my husband and for other online and printed publications.
At the age of 20 I was clueless about sex, men and my body. Now, I’m a mature woman who loves sex and I know what I want.
I know that many women who do enjoy sex experience a wide range of sexual problems from decreased libido to vaginal dryness, myself included, but there are things you can do to overcome these symptoms, rather than just giving up.
Sex for me
I never had an orgasm with the few boyfriends I had as a young women as they were as inept at sex as me and I can’t recall any of them being good in bed but then again, I didn’t know what was good or bad in bed.
The first person and only person to ever make me orgasm was and still is my husband whom I met when I was 23. He gave me an amazing orgasm through clitoral stimulation which I thanked him for as no one had ever made me come during sex before.
In fact, I was the only person to ever make me come before!
So, why is sex better now? Here’s how you can have great sex in midlife and beyond.
We have sex frequently
By this I mean 3-4 times a weeks but not always. When you are tired or don’t feel in the mood it can be hard work motivating yourself at times, but I often find that the best sex happens when I’m not really in the mood.
Even when we don’t feel like sex, we still enjoy foreplay, using sex toys and lube. Quickie sex is fun too.
Sex is good for us
Sex makes me feel good.
The benefits of sex are huge, from releasing feel good endorphins, to reducing stress, making you sleep better and giving you glowing skin, in addition to warding off sexual dysfunction problems.
Owning Jo Divine and talking to our many customers has made me aware of just how many problems people experience when it comes to sex so I write sexual health and pleasure articles, offering simple, practical advice and tips about how to enjoy sexual intimacy whoever you are and “age”, sexual problem, “disability”, illness or disease.
We talk about sex so I know what I like and what my husband likes in bed too
It may have taken many years but now I’m in my late 40’s, I know what I’m doing when it comes to sex. I know what I like, what turns me off and how to bring pleasure to myself and my husband.
Obviously our business is sex but we talk about what we like, what feels good, what we’d like to try and how it might make us feel. Even now, we’re still surprised when we discover that we both have the same thoughts about the same sexual thing or fantasy. Talking is the one thing couples can do to improve their sex lives, yet so many shy away from this, either through feeling inhibited or worrying they will offend their partner.
I’ve personally found that writing about sex has helped me to discover new techniques and ideas through my research, increasing both our sexual pleasure and fun.
I know how to let go
This is something many women find hard to do.Sometimes it can be hard to switch off the chatter in your head but rather than filling my head with all the stuff I have to do or replaying conversations from the day, I find it easier to let go and enjoy sex,concentrating on the pleasurable sensations running through my body, not if I’ve done the packed lunches for my children, who are really old enough to do their own- I need to let go, they won’t starve!
I found my Inner Dominatrix
So many women just lie there and expect their man to do all the work, then complain when it isn’t any good. I used to be one of those women but I’ve discovered that when I take control, I find I have amazing blended orgasms. There is something very sexy about dominating your man and benefits you both.
I don’t put up with rubbish sex any more
Many women don’t enjoy sex because they’ve never had great sex. In my early 20’s I put up with rubbish sex because I didn’t know any better.
I didn’t tell my partner that I experienced vaginismus ( vaginal tightness) during my late 20’s for fear of letting him down sexually. This made him sad when I told him that I had endured painful sex, just so he could enjoy sexual pleasure.Now, if it feels uncomfortable, I tell him and we stop.
But many women and men endure bad sex to placate their partners.
Pretending you enjoy what they are doing means they think you’re enjoying it and they will continue doing it in that way. Sex should never feel painful or uncomfortable, it should feel pleasurable for you both. Experiencing pain or discomfort could indicate that something is wrong.
Hallelujah for good lube!
I never used sexual lubricant in my 20’s as it was something older women used. As a former nurse, my only experience of a lubricant was KY jelly.I wasn’t even aware of lubes sold in high street shops.
Having had problems with thrush, cystitis and vaginal irritation, I didn’t realise that the lubricants and spermicidal gels we were using can cause such problems.
YES, YES, YES! Having discovered “YES organic lubricants” 7 years ago, we’ve never looked back. YES has been one of the best finds for our sex life and I won’t have sex without it. It is the best lubricant I have ever tried, we just wished we’d found it after having our children.
Feeling dry during sex can be painful and uncomfortable, yet hormonal changes, stress, illness and medication can all affect vaginal secretions every month. But often when lubricants are mentioned, a sad picture of a menopausal woman is always used, yet sex feels so much better when you use lubes, whatever your age.
I discovered sex toys!
Owning a sex toy company allows me to experiment with new sex toys to find one perfect for my needs. Having said that, my husband and I use a variety of sex toys that offer different sexual sensations so I don’t think just one will ever do.
We only sell well made skin safe products as jelly, latex and rubber products are difficult to clean as they are absorbent.
The stigma of buying a sex toy is slowly decreasing as many people realise the benefits of using a sex toy for both their sexual pleasure and sexual health. Our oldest customers are 95, so age is not a barrier!
Many older women miss sexual pleasure and intimacy, and buy a sex toy when their partner dies or their relationship has broken down or if their partner has erectile dysfunction and is unable to have penetrative sex. We think sex toys are great at any age with or without a partner!
I like to make noise!
I make noise during sex, letting my husband know what he is doing is good, and encouraging him to continue! Most men find responsiveness a greater turn on than the way you look. Knowing what they are doing is making you feel good is a huge turn on.
I’m more confident and accepting about the way I look
I’ve had three children and still blame my tummy on our youngest child who is 11! However I have good boobs which my man loves.Writing about sex has made me more sexually confident about my body and what I like.
Constantly worrying about the way you look in bed means you’re not concentrating on the sex. The media constantly blast us with the perfect body, yet your partner loves your smile, the dimple on your chin, your luscious buttocks or come to bed eyes!
I hope we will continue to have fantastic sex until we die, just like our 95 year old customers. I also know there are ways in which we can keep our sexual intimacy alive into our twilight years even if we’re too arthritic to make love.
By the way, I’m planning on making a silicone copy of my hubbie’s penis, in case he goes before me so I can still enjoy him! I’ll probably need a few to keep me going!
Samantha Evans is a sexual health and well-being expert, and co-owner of online sex toy retailer Jo Divine.