Let's Talk About Midlife Sex

By Alana Kirk

When a group of middle-aged women congregate, traditional opinion might expect us to start swapping knitting patterns. In fact, I was asked what name I give my vagina. The session, Perfecting Your Orgasm, about great midlife sex, which would get many a knitting in a twist, was part of a broader conference on celebrating Magnificence in Midlife, hosted by The Mutton Club.

What was interesting was not just the array of cute to crude names (pussy being the most common), but also the number of women who didn’t have one (a name that is, not a vagina). The woman who struck me the most said, rather sadly, “I’ve never had any cause to address it.”

For many women, exploring, discovering, and pursuing their own sexual pleasure was not something we were ever taught or encouraged to do. That seems to be changing, and the good news is apparently, it’s never too late to learn!

As a mother of three young girls, I have already written in newspapers about woeful sex education for our children, but what I’m realising is that many adults are also in the dark about playing in the dark. Like me, many middle-aged women are either embarking on the dating scene again or want to revamp their existing relationships now that the breeding years are done. But many are either talking themselves celibate or like me, haven’t dated since the last century.

Sex education was non-existent, and most of us had to learn as we went. So I was eager to hear what Renée Denyer from Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium had to say at the last session of the Mutton Club’s inaugural conference. She didn’t disappoint.

When I learned something interesting in the talk – like the exact location of the G-spot – I was shocked. I was brought up to believe that the G-spot was a mystical thing, something akin to pot luck for those of us lucky enough to ‘find’ it.

But at the age of 46, I was told that it is in exactly the same place for ALL women. It’s as real and as tangible as our arms. Why are we (and men) not being taught this?

Why are girls and boys not taught this in school? We all know where the penis is located. Why is this information akin to the Top Secret nuclear codes? They are the nuclear codes – for a woman’s exploding libido! And the codes need to be common knowledge.

A varied array of websites aimed at teaching women how to find their sexual mojo whatever their age, show a growing awareness for women that after children, we can claim back our vaginas for ourselves.

The Mutton Club has produced several articles on the topic including this one. It seems we are searching for our sexual mojo in middle age – we might just need an instruction manual.

Recently I met Sasha Cagen, a writer and coach who works with mid-aged women on finding or reclaiming their sexuality. “Many women are coming out of divorce and looking for a better understanding of their sexuality, or maybe they are still in a relationship but need to revive it.

Whether they are single or married, have kids or not, the ones who are bold and courageous are the ones who will get the best from their own bodies.”

Although she sees a minority of women who want to reclaim or discover their sexuality in their 40s and 50s, she sees more who are resigned and think it’s all over. They fear rejection because they believe in the strong storyline, often reinforced in the media, that only young women are attractive.

Thankfully the media are finally starting to highlight strong sexual mid-aged women proving that we are not desexualised after a certain age. As a mid-ager embarking on the second half of life, I’m discovering I not only need to be mentally, emotionally, and physically fit, but sensually fit as well.

“It’s a virtual cycle,” says Calgen. “Getting in touch with your sexuality affects every aspect of your life. I meet women who want to learn about their sexuality to find the power and confidence to animate their whole life.”

So how do we become bold and courageous? The first way is to let go of the conditioning that we are sluts if we pursue our own pleasure, or that we are not attractive in our 40s and beyond. Secondly we need to invest in our connection with our sexuality, which can include a partner but not necessarily.

The emphasis is on feeling good rather than looking good, the latter often a consequence of the former. It can be as simple as mentally connecting to that part of your body and realising it’s not just for babies but for you, your whole life.

Did you know the clitoris is bigger than the penis? Nope, I didn’t either until recently. ‘Use it or lose it’ we were told at the Magnificence in Midlife conference. As Calgen put it, “We are in bodies and we should enjoy them.” I think it’s time to be bold and courageous ladies.

Alana Kirk is a writer and journalist. She has travelled the world, working for charities and writing their stories. Her first non-fiction book, the bestselling Daughter, Mother, Me: a memoir of love, loss and dirty dishes has been re-released as The Sandwich Years. She still works for the non-profit sector as well as being a writer and raising her three girls. She is working on her second book. Her latest blog Grin&Tonic explores how this generation of women is redefining middle age.