By Rachel Lankester
Sex and the menopause – a contentious subject?
But it doesn’t have to be contentious nor taboo! Menopause means your body’s changing and so may your sex life. But not necessarily for the worse. It may even be an exciting new beginning!
But if you’re suffering from menopause symptoms (or actually perimenopause symptoms), experiencing decreased desire, and vaginal dryness is an issue, how do you keep sex a joy not a chore? If you’ve been with the same partner for a long time, how do you keep things fresh and exciting, especially if menopause symptoms have dented your self esteem?
What if you’re just not feeling sexy any more? It’s a truism that in a great relationship, sex isn’t so important, but in a bad one, it usually is! And what if you don’t have a partner to keep the wheels on the road? Then what?
Sex and the menopause may call for extra creativity. Here are some ideas to help keep you and your sex life sexy.
Many women struggle with the changes menopause brings, particularly when it comes to changing hormones and the dreaded prospect of vaginal atrophy.
A little known fact is that as oestrogen and testosterone both decline, testosterone hangs around in the body more. So years after menopause, women can have as much testosterone in their system as they did in their twenties! This means your interest in sex doesn’t necessarily decline even if the body doesn’t respond quite as it used to.
Here’s a great article that talks about sex actually getting better with age and the difference between one’s genital prime and one’s sexual prime.
An issue for many women is vaginal dryness. Things can change down there and it can take many women longer to get aroused after menopause than when younger. Penetration can also be painful. I’ve been told that it can also be more of a problem for women who have not given birth vaginally.
Sea buckthorn oil, taken as a food supplement, can help with intimate dryness, as well as giving a boost to skin, so they say. HRT should help and vaginal pessaries in the form of Vagifem (available on prescription in the UK), used either alone or in addition to standard HRT, can really help keep things moist. Just a couple a week may be all you need.
Then there are some great lubricants out there. The best of the commercial ones I’ve found is Pjur silicone lubricant as recommended by our Pleasure Workshop expert in the Members Club Becky Price. I found Pjur Woman on Amazon and it’s really good. It’s not cheap but it lasts! Because it’s silicon, it stays on the skin and doesn’t get absorbed.
Before I found that I used organic Yes natural water-based vaginal lubricant, available on prescription in the UK. They also do an oil-based lube but now I really prefer Pjur. But their vaginal moisturizer is a useful addition to moisturizing routines.
I wish Yes would do refillable dispensers for their moisturizer, so we can cut down on plastic while still getting the benefit! The same for the Vagifem pessaries which each come with a plastic dispenser – very wasteful. Reduce, reuse, recycle we say please!
But you may want to also try some wonderful organic coconut oil. It is really brilliant and moisturizers as well as lubricates. Organic coconut oil must be one of the most versatile products on the planet. As well as using it in the bedroom, for massage too, I wash my face and take my makeup off with it at night, I cook with it and it’s also a great general moisturizer.
Use it or lose it
Another theme is use it or lose it. Your vagina isn’t going to shrivel up over night, but it pays to invest love and attention in its future health. If you’re a masturbation aficionado, keep up the good work and give your clitoris the attention it deserves.
If you’re struggling to maintain previous levels of desire and sexual response, for whatever reason, vibrators might help both with a partner and without. But also don’t forget that desire can change from day to day, month to month. Don’t assume that because it’s dipped, it’s always going to be that way.
Not only can vibrators make orgasms a forgone conclusion (hooray!), but they are also useful during a dry spell to maintain sexual function and blood supply to the necessary area. And of course have fun! Vibrators can also be great for lighting that first spark of desire if it’s taking a while to get aroused with a partner, which may be a bit soul destroying for both of you.
My favourite vibrator supplier is Sh!, a women-run real-life and on-line store which is a veritable women’s erotic emporium. Everything you might have ever fantasied about, you can find at Sh!. Time Out describes it as the ‘best sex shop for women’ and there are hundreds of products for all sexual persuasions to tickle your fancy.
There’s loads of advice on their website, as well as classes in store if you live in London, UK. They also have plenty of erotica that might just wake you up in ways you thought were long since gone. Try out their egg vibrators if you haven’t already experienced these delightful little toys.
They’re great for getting the juices going when you’re struggling to get in the mood. Sh! has given Mutton Club their advice for having great orgasms here.
Finally, for the orgasmically challenged or just sexually ambitious, decide to spend some time with Betty Dodson. Betty has made it her life’s mission to educate women on sexuality and masturbation, and to ensure that every woman achieves amazing and consistent orgasms.
She recently teamed up with Carlin Ross, another sex educator, to amplify their collective voice and change more women’s lives. Their website is a mine of great information and their work constantly inspiring.
Have fun! If you want some more help with both intimacy and pleasure and re-igniting your intimate relationship check out the workshops on these in our Members Club. You may also check out Rachel’s workshop on Natural Menopause. Click here to check out our courses page.
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Rachel Lankester is founder of the Magnificent Midlife Movement, host of the Magnificent Midlife Podcast, a midlife mentor and editor of the Mutton Club online magazine. After an initially devastating early menopause at 41, she dedicated herself to helping women vibrantly transition through the sometimes messy middle of life, helping them cope better with menopause and ageing in general, and create magnificent next chapters. She’s been featured in/on BBC Woman’s Hour, The Huffington Post, Thrive Global, Authority Magazine, The Age Buster, Woman’s Weekly, Prima Magazine, eShe, Tatler HK and Woman’s Own amongst others. She believes we just get better with age.